Flora Stream of Consciousness

Posted on May 29, 2022May 29, 2022 by startlifeat50

Unlocked

Sometimes, when a door seems to be locked my pen can help me step through. I know that my pen can be my ally, helping me discover creative solutions to move forward.

My pen unlocks the fortress I have built around my heart. It helps me to open up and let out my deepest thoughts and feelings. Everything that seemed murky and unclear becomes clear and comprehensible. It’s like water is poured over my emotions clearing the surface so I can see what’s underneath. The true causes and reasons why I built a fortress around my heart in the first place.

One thing I’ve noticed as I write is how much I enjoy using analogies and exploring dualities. Positive and negative, light and dark. I like to think only positively and only look at the bright side. I tend to ignore the other side because it makes me uncomfortable and takes me somewhere I’d rather not go.

Without dark there is no light. Without negative there is no positive. I have to admit when I’m feeling angry, resentful or unhappy I push these feelings down. I don’t give myself permission to feel these emotions because they are negative and don’t get me anywhere.

I want to contain these emotions. Put them in a box that remains firmly locked and sealed. If I let them out I will lose control. I need to unlock these feelings and learn from them so I can move forward in my life.

Photo by Kristina Paukshtite on Pexels.com

Blessings to all xxx

Posted on Jan 30, 2022 by startlifeat50 · 2 Comments

My week in isolation

The week had just passed. I was going about my weekend a week ago. Following my usual routines when with one little test everything changed. I’m a stickler for routine. I feel calm and settled as long as everything goes to plan.

After hearing of a colleague who had tested positive to COVID I decided to test myself last Friday. It was negative. I thought nothing more of it. On Saturday I’m feeling tired, lethargic, fatigued. More than usual. I remember feeling nauseous at work on Thursday. I attribute this to low blood pressure or feeling hungry. Now I know nausea is also a symptom of COVID. I may have already contracted on Thursday, yet the test on Friday doesn’t show it.

I plan to take another test on Sunday morning. I honestly don’t expect it to show a positive result, so when it does I’m a bit shocked. What do I do now? Who do I need to tell? I (who never do) leave the bed undone. Should I still have a shower? Go for a walk and dance? Yes to shower. No to walk and dance. I get myself together. Tell everyone on a “needs to know” basis. I order my shopping to be picked up today and I’m not supposed to go out. Well who else is going to pick it up for me? It has to be me.

Photo by Quang Nguyen Vinh on Pexels.com

Now I’m going to have to isolate for seven days and be stuck in one room. Actually I have the use of two rooms, besides a bathroom to myself. Mum and Dad have to isolate too. Luckily the house is big enough for us to stay away from each other.

I apply for a special government payment to cover me for the coming week as I won’t be able to work. It’s deposited into my account within a few hours.

I think how am I going to spend the next seven days? The time will drag I just know it. I console myself that I don’t have to work for the week. It feels like my life has been put on hold. No work (don’t miss it!) No going out with my MeetUp groups. I’m not free to move around as I please. I have to stay put.

I contribute an article to a local newspaper. This involves me having to interview a local identity and write up a story. I was due to interview said identity this week, however I had to cancel it. In the space of nine days I’ve tested myself five times. More to put my mother’s mind at ease than my own. As I write this I’m still positive, but the virus is working its way out of my system. By the way Mum and Dad have been tested two times this past week. Both times negative. This is a relief to me.

When I leave my rooms I wear a mask to protect Mum and Dad from me till I get a negative result. I now stop and think that I’m one of the lucky ones. My symptoms are mild. I haven’t suffered whereas others have.

So it took a short time out of my life. So what! I’m still here. I’m at home, not in a hospital hooked up to a ventilator. I will recover and go back to my life as usual. Others weren’t or haven’t been so fortunate. For this I am so grateful.

Blessings to all xx

Posted on Nov 28, 2021 by startlifeat50

I’ve gotta be me

Am I living my best and fullest life? I think of lyrics from the song “I’ve gotta be me” sung by Sammy Davis Jnr. “I want to live, not merely survive and I won’t give up this dream of life that keeps me alive.”

To answer this question in the affirmative doesn’t feel right to me. I don’t think I am. I do feel like I’m just surviving. This isn’t good enough. It’s got to change. I’ve decided to devote some time in January to plan and work on starting my writing business. For now I will do it part time and see where it takes me. Perhaps I will go into freelance or I may become a virtual assistant. As long as I’m doing something to make this happen. As long as I’m taking real, practical steps towards making my dream come true.

This isn’t just about career. It’s also about my personal life. Yes I’m an introvert as you all know, so being on my own is where I’m most comfortable. This won’t help me to meet people and make friends. I do still get lonely at times. I need to step out of my comfortable space and get out again. Now lockdown is over there’s no excuse to be staying home all the time.

I want others to know that I am here and I’m a good person. No I’m a wonderful person. I shouldn’t be hiding myself from the world. I don’t want to go through the motions anymore. I want to do what I’m meant to be doing and be who I’m meant to be. In other words, “I’ve got to be me.”

Blessings to all xxx

Photo by Julian Jagtenberg on Pexels.com

Posted on Sep 6, 2021 by startlifeat50

The Simple Things

Hello everyone. It’s been a while since I posted. What a week it was last week. It was busy and full on. I get so caught up in all the things I do. I don’t stop to appreciate the simple things, the beauty in life.

Well last week I’ve found a few simple things to truly appreciate this thing called life. This all happened at work. First last week marked the start of Spring here in the southern hemisphere. While outside supervising the children I noticed budding flowers from a tree that has been bare during the winter months. I started working at this centre at the end of May, so I’ve only seen this tree bare.

I know God, my angels and guides alerted me to look and see the tree as it blossoms. It’s so beautiful, yet so simple. To notice something as simple as flowers in bloom. I told the children playing nearby what I saw. They saw them and tried to pick them. One boy wanted me to pick him up so he could reach the higher branches.

It’s this child who provided me with the next beautiful moment or rather moments of the week. He’s non-verbal and struggles to communicate. He hadn’t come to me or connected with me in any way; till now. He’s been taking my hand as if he wants me to take him somewhere. He’s also coming to me to give him hugs. If I tell him he might be doing something wrong he looks at me and says, “Aww.” I think he understands. He loves animals and carries as many (wooden and plastic) as he can. He puts them down on the floor or ground and places them all in a row. I think this shows a sense of order, organization and structure. I think this is the start of a good relationship with this child.

So I’m taking the time to appreciate the simple things in life. This keeps me in touch with what truly matters – love.

Blessings to all xx

Posted on Jul 11, 2021 by startlifeat50

Getting to know me

This much I know about myself (I know a lot more, but go with me on this). I’m under the astrological sign of Leo and the Chinese Zodiac sign of Rooster (specifically Earth Rooster). I’ve just completed the Myers Briggs Personality test. This test was developed by Isabel Myers and her mother Katherine Briggs. It’s based on the theories of psychiatrist/psychoanalyst Carl Jung. I’m an ISFJ (Introverted, Sensing, Feeling, Judging). I will go over the traits of Leo, Rooster and ISFJ both positive and negative and highlight what I believe to be true for me. Here goes.

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TRAITS OF LEO

Leo the lioness as I call myself. Once I’m understood I am straight forward and fairly predictable. The challenge is in understanding me however. Confident, fearless, charismatic and powerful. Optimistic, warm-hearted and outgoing. Dignified, playful, ambitious and loyal. Flamboyant.

Aggressive, dramatic, impulsive. Egotistical, demanding, intolerant, domineering, lazy and stubborn. Leos can be sensitive and hurt easily. Materialistic, have high expectations and can be easily disappointed.

MY THOUGHTS ON THIS

I believe it is hard getting to know me. I don’t give much away. It takes me a while to warm up to people. I’m working on being more confident and fearless. I need to believe I’m powerful a lot more. I’m the eternal optimist and I have a good heart. Outgoing? Flamboyant? – not so much. I am a dignified person and can be playful when I want to be. I have ambitions I’m yet to realise. I’m not egotistical, demanding or domineering. I don’t believe I’m aggressive, dramatic or impulsive. I’m way too cautious for that. I am sensitive and hurt easily. I like my material things, but I’m not obsessed with them. I can feel let down by people at times.

TRAITS OF ROOSTER

Roosters are deep thinkers. Honest, bright, communicative, ambitious, capable and warm-hearted. They have a healthy self-respect and are meticulous, consistent, outgoing and skilful. Roosters are conscientious and hate dawdlers. They are efficient. Faithful and punctual. Courageous and humourous. They attach a lot of importance on love. Active, not quiet.

Impatient, overconfident and preachy. They are critical and think they are always right. Narrow minded and arrogant. Roosters aren’t willing to listen to others’ opinions. Roosters can be emotional and vain.

MY THOUGHTS ON THIS

Yes I am a deep thinker. I believe I’m honest and bright which I take to mean intelligent, smart or clever and quick at learning new things. I am capable and warm- hearted. I’m working on respecting myself more. I’m definitely consistent and conscientious and I must admit I dislike dawdlers. I like to get things done. I’m punctual and can be humourous at times. I’m more quiet than I am active. I don’t think I’m overconfident. I think I can be a little preachy and think I’m right while the other person is wrong. I need to work on listening to what other people have to say.

ISFJ (INTROVERTED, SENSING, FEELING, JUDGING)

ISFJ people are supportive, reliable, and patient. Imaginative and observant. Loyal, humble and shy. They only enter relationships that have a real chance of lasting. ISFJ want commitment and appreciation. They like to get to know someone little by little. They are trustworthy, loving and faithful. Their kindness can be taken advantage of.

ISFJ can take things too personally due to their sensitivity. Repress their feelings and are reluctant to change.

MY THOUGHTS ON THIS

There’s a lot more to an ISFJ than this, however I think this summarises their most important traits. I can’t disagree with any of this. I am all of the above.

This has been an interesting exercise. Across Leo, Rooster and ISFJ some traits are similar. I think I know myself fairly well and it helps to know my weaknesses or negative traits so I can work on them and be the best person I can be.

Blessings to all xx

Posted on May 18, 2021 by startlifeat50 · 2 Comments

Lessons learned. Thoughts on current events.

Here I am at home. In between jobs, literally. I’m pissed off. Pissed off at how I was treated by those at the job I just left. If I hadn’t told staff I was leaving no-one would have known about it. You see regular e-mails are sent out weekly with updates of what’s happening in the workplace.

Do you think my resigning was mentioned? Hell no. Not a sentence. Not a word. No acknowledgement whatsoever that I had worked there for what just six years. Just six years of my life. This is the thanks I get. It’s so disappointing. Too much of me was in that job. Perhaps I identified too much with it. I need to pull back and see that it is JUST a job. An important job, but just a job nevertheless. My life doesn’t revolve around it. It is what I do, not who I am. I need to be careful I don’t make the same mistake with my new job starting next week.

My identity has been too wrapped up in what I do; child care, writing, dancing. These are things I have an interest in. Things I do. They are NOT who I am. Looking back over the last six years I can see how I’ve become someone or something I’m not.

As an example when I was in my last relationship I merged with the other person. I didn’t know where he ended and I started. I got lost in it. I didn’t know who I was. So when the relationship came to an end I struggled to let it go. I struggled to accept that it had ended. It took a year to reach acceptance.

When it comes to letting go of this job (in order to start another) I don’t have a year. I only have a week. This process of letting go needs to be fast tracked, so lucky I’m at home and able to do this in my own time.

When I started writing I didn’t know where this was going, but as I’ve continued I’ve worked out the real issues behind my struggle to let go. The real reasons I feel angry, rejected and betrayed. I’ve identified with this job too much. There needs to be a separation of sorts. Not just a physical one, but mentally and emotionally. Cutting the cords. Releasing the past. This is a lesson for me. I need to learn from it and move on.

Another lesson for me is that I find change and transitions difficult. I always have. I would rather stay in a situation I know (even if it isn’t good for me) than have to face the unknown. A case of “better the devil you know.” However I can’t run away from it. Change is a part of life. Without change how would I grow? How would I learn new things?

Back to job front I guess I got angry with not being acknowledged by my now “old” workplace because it was important to me. It meant something to have my contributions and achievements recognized. What I didn’t realise till now is that just because it matters to me doesn’t mean it matters to others. I know that we all don’t see or experience life in the same way.

From this lesson should come forgiveness. Forgiveness for those I believe have done something wrong. They didn’t really do anything wrong as such. All they did was not act the way I wanted or expected them to. This is only my perception on what’s happened.

Blessings to all xx

Posted on Apr 3, 2021 by startlifeat50 · 1 Comment

Our world

What are we doing to our world? By “we” I include me because I’m living on earth and consuming what nature has given us. I’m a part of nature even though there’s a paradigm that I’ve accepted over the years that states I’m not. What happens in the natural world doesn’t have anything to do with me. I’m so far removed from it that I disconnect from it. I go about my life with a lack of awareness that I’m a part of the plants, animals and the earth itself.

Without the flora and the fauna and the ground beneath my feet I wouldn’t be here. It’s the air I breathe, the food I eat, the water I drink, the bed I sleep on, the house I live in, the car I drive and all the technology at my fingertips. We can’t pretend we don’t have an impact on the environment and the climate. We can’t keep taking from the earth and not giving back. Nature renews and regenerates. This is the miracle of mother nature at work. Let’s get together and give nature a helping hand. When we take from our mother let’s give back and show gratitude for what she has provided for us. Our first nation’s people have been doing this for thousands and thousands of years.

As the world’s population grows we need to find ways to provide for everyone. These ways do exist. We can do it. We fear change. It’s easier to keep the status quo than to find new ways of doing things. Those who benefit from keeping everything as it is deny climate change. They deny the impact on the planet because to admit it would mean affecting the bottom line. Wealthy corporations feel threatened so they keep their heads in the sand and wish it all away. It won’t go away and that’s the reality of the world we are living in.

To say, “I won’t be here in 50 years so what do I care?” is selfish and irresponsible. We owe it to our children and grandchildren to leave them a sustainable world. What kind of world do we want our descendants to inherit? A world that gives them all they need to survive. A world of natural beauty and harmony where we co-exist with all creatures great and small. We can get together and make a change. It’s happened before.

In the eighties scientists studying the effects of CFCs (Chlorofluorocarbons) on the atmosphere discovered a hole in the ozone layer. The only way to prevent it getting bigger was to stop the use of CFCs worldwide. The world came together to ban the use of CFCs. When we human beings have the will to change something we can. When we come together in a common cause anything is possible.

I take responsibility for my part in this problem and I want to be a part of the solution. We only have one home. If we mess this one up we can’t go elsewhere.

Blessings to all xx

Posted on Mar 1, 2021 by startlifeat50

Music

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

“So I say thank you for the music, the songs I’m singing. Thanks for all the joy they’re bringing. Who can live without it? I ask in all honesty. What would life be? Without a song or a dance what are we.” Songwriters: Benny Andersson and Bjoern Ulvaeus.

This song just popped into my head as I began to think about music.

“Music is the universal language of mankind.” Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

Music is universal. No matter who we are or where we are music ties us together. It binds us. Music is a language of emotion. It’s a way of expressing feelings. We connect a song to a time and a place in our lives. When we hear it it takes us back there. A song can make us cry or make us happy. Music can rouse us from our slumber and inspire us to do great things. It gives us a voice. The song “I am woman” by Helen Reddy comes to mind when I think of a song’s power to inspire a movement.

Photo by Dominika Roseclay on Pexels.com

“Where words fail, music speaks.” Hans Christian Andersen.

Songs like words on a page tell a story. Stories of falling in and out of love for example. Music played at weddings, parties and funerals. Music that fits in to every part of our lives. Good times, bad times. Music plays an important role, beyond just entertaining us. It can help to relieve stress and calm us. Did you know that music can increase children’s cognitive and motor skills? Music touches our souls because from birth we are surrounded by sounds and patterns.

“Music is the wine that fills the cup of silence.” Robert Fripp.

Without music I imagine life would be dull and monotone. If it wasn’t for music there would have been no Live Aid or any other events to raise awareness of worthwhile causes. Music for me is a form of escape. Filling in the silence. I sing and dance and get lost in it. It can transport me from my reality, if only for a short time. Other times it grounds me in the here and now.

Blessings to all xx

Posted on Feb 14, 2021 by startlifeat50

The search continues….

“You must travel your own journey at your own pace; do not rush the process. . . or assume that you have to accept someone else’s choices for your life.” Thomas L. Jackson Ph.D.

I’m looking for ways to liberate myself from my blocks. The ones that keep me from moving forward. They all have to do with fear. I’m not trying to rid myself of the fear, but rather find the courage to face the fear, do what I need to do and be who I need to be.

“On this journey of life, spirituality is the very sand upon which we travel.” Robert W. Chism.

I’ve done this by researching and practicing many modalities over the years. My quest began in 2007. I know this because it was just after I broke up with my first boyfriend. I started with reading cards – angel and tarot. The following is a list of modalities I’ve tried since then. Some I’m still doing, others I’ve dropped simply because they didn’t resonate with me any longer.

Meditation
Visualisation
Affirmations
Palmistry
Numerology
Crystals
Chakra balancing
Reiki
Hypnosis
Automatic writing
Law of Attraction

I’m currently looking at sound healing therapy and ancestral healing. It seems promising so far! My intuition tells me what feels right and I go with that. I combine several of the above modalities to create my own practice or ritual. When I find something new I just add it in. This is a never-ending story, a never-ending quest. This will go on till I take my final breath and it’s time to go home. This isn’t a frustrating search. Far from it. It’s an enriching one. With every new concept I learn I become a better spiritual and human being. A journey of self-discovery. Revelations and epiphanies.

“Each has to travel his own path. It cannot be replicated or prescribed, because each one of us is unique and so are our circumstances.” Mishra.

However none of this knowledge is truly new. My soul had this wisdom all along. I’m simply re-discovering this wisdom and I’m simply tapping into what I already know at my core to be true.

“This thing we call life is not a destination with an end but a path down which we continue to journey as long as we can breath. Life is to be lived not squandered or to give away waiting for the end to close upon us.” Byron Pulsifer.

Blessings to all xx

Posted on Feb 7, 2021 by startlifeat50 · 1 Comment

Fear

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” Franklin D. Roosevelt.

Fear is a primitive state that harks back to the time of our ancestors. At the time there were many real and present dangers around them. Their fear kept them safe. I believe we’ve carried this fear (real or imagined) in our genes.

“Being brave isn’t the absence of fear. Being brave is having that fear, but finding a way through it.” Bear Grylls.

When fear is appropriate it’s healthy to feel the fear, especially if we are in physical danger. It can protect us from harm. However in modern life fear serves no purpose.

“The fears we don’t face become our limits.” Robin Sharma.

Ninety percent of what we worry about never happens, so why spend hundred percent of our time worrying about what only has a ten percent chance of happening? Most fear is based on illusion. How often do we fear something only to find it never happens? It’s our imagination over-reacting.

“Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears.” Les Brown.

I’m really struggling with fear at the moment. I think I’ve allowed this fear to take over. I used to think I needed to get this impediment out of the way in order to live the life I want to live. If I spend all my time waiting for fear to dissipate I will never move forward in my life. I would never take a chance, take a risk. This limits me. How can I grow? How can I become a better person if I don’t step into the unknown? The fear will always be there, so I feel that fear and do it anyway.

“Who sees all beings in his own self, and his own self in all beings, loses all fear.” Isa Upanishad, Hindu Scripture.

Blessings to all xx